Ladies and Gentlemen, Mecko, my good friend from Fraticórnicos, Argentina’s seminal avant-garde ensemble, has given me the Guide to the Archipelagos Fraticórnicos, the band’s utopian nation from another planet! Created in 2005 and translated this very year, this document, with additional information, is a very entertaining and educational trip! Now, why don’t you just sit back, relax, crank up the aforementioned band’s music (if you have any, of course), and read on…..
BY WAY OF INTRODUCTION
The Archipelagos Fraticórnicos is found on the planet Hibou, belonging to the galaxy Anemone. Hibou is identical in size to Earth and has a single continent, Dimentia, which occupies 54% of the total surface of the globe. This planet is very close to its sun, Lemercier, and it is for that reason that its calendar year lasts 73 days and 24 hours (1 terrestrial year = 5 Fraticornian years), and the Archipelagos Fraticórnicos exists in the year 10025 because of its star system (10025=2005 on Earth).
In spite of its proximity to the sun, it does not emit much heat and the climate is very similar to the Earth. There is also a dark sun, Orestes, that causes plagues, droughts, tsunamis and other hardships.
There are no months on its calendar, and the work week lasts 4 days, while the remaining 3 are strictly holidays. The salaries are annual and nobody celebrates the New Year. At present, 58 nations make up the planet, of which the largest is the Union of Sciomian States (18,912,333 square kilometers) and the smallest is the Republic of Sofovia (129 square kilometers).
GEOGRAPHY
In its geographic composition, the country is composed of a group of 14 archipelagos located in the Rubio Sea that has a total of 1,421 islands. The largest of these are Gran Campeón and Zincueyomi.
Latitude: 42º 33′ – 36º 12′ North
Longitude: 28º 30′ – 14º 32′ West
Surface area: 277,106 square kilometers
Proximities: 412 kilometers to the North
The Republic of Karpadd, 75 kilometers to the south
The Kingdom of Tarmania, 338 kilometers to the east
The Kingdom of Bonierd, 3.761 kilometers to the west
The Bigoti Islands
The Karpadd Colonies
Highest point: Mount Prestipino, 2,330 meters
Longest river: Fratianz, 144 kilometers
Type of coasts: cliffs and beaches of ice
Average temperatures (in °C):
January-July, -17.5 and -5.6 (Islands) and -4.1 and 8.2 (Pathaan Nord)
Climate: oceanic cold
Annual precipitation (in mm):
Pathaan Nord, 861
Zezea, 566 (40% of which is in the form of snow)
Land use:
Forests, 21%
Crops and Arable Land, 11%
Meadows, 9%
Unproductive, 59%
POPULATION & CITIES
Total population: 3,000,003 inhabitants
Density per square kilometer: 7.2
Birth rate: 6%
Mortality rate: 0.8%
Infant mortality rate: 0.2%
Annual growth rate: 15%
Half life: 400 years for men and 430 years for women (Measured in Fraticornian years)
Urban population: 87%
Rural population: 11%
Island population: 2%
Capital: Pathaan Nord, 946,222 inhabitants
Other cities:
Pathaan Suid, 500,893 inhabitants
Zezea, 340,004 inhabitants
Kaffikonlech, 212,298 inhabitants
Bezap, 168,777 inhabitants
Porti Komledai, 78,990 inhabitants
ECONOMY
Agricultural production (measured in thousands of tons)
Rye: 3,387
Hay: 615
Potato: 120
Turnip: 110
Agriculture is conceived and practiced through cloning.
There is no livestock. Milk and dairy products are synthesized from the sea.
Fishing: 2,455,000 tons
Pharmaceutical: 13,122,000 tons
Plastic: 443,000 tons
Electrical power: 1,500,000,000 kilowatts (Wind and tidal source)
For several decades there has been a great stability, which allows a great growth in GDP.
Exports: 48%
Fishery products: 35%
Rye: 5%
Pharmaceutical industry: 2%
Imports: 34%
Fuels and machinery: 22% (fuels are mainly used for the manufacture of plastic products for helmets)
Electronics: 19%
Chemicals: 17%
Other: 8%
Major industries: oil, pharmaceutical, computers and toy derivatives
Currency: The Frati (Ѳ), divided into 1,000 Kórnics (ƙ)
COMMUNICATIONS
Road Network: Approximately 9,000 kilometers
Hovercraft: 212,026
Scooters: 943,989
Railways: There is a single monorail line that links the two main islands together via a 42-kilometer maritime tunnel. It was dedicated to His Majesty Fratián III.
Line: Bezap-Pathaan-Kaffikonlech-Zezea
Merchant Fleet: 333,001 tons
There is a shipping company, Fratimar, which connects all the islands to the metropolis. They lack a naval fleet and the army is very small. Because of this, it was the most conquered country in history, but nevertheless no invader could alter its curious customs.
Air Traffic: Both airlines, Azafratia and Aerokórnica, have 211,000 passengers per year.
Main Airports: Pathaan Suid and Zezea
Tourism: 600,000 tourists per year
Telephones: The main telephone provider, Fraticom, has 399,081 customers.
Internet: The main Internet provider, Fratinet, has served 999,998 customers.
The following television stations:
-F’datikodnike News Network (FNN; a news channel which broadcasts the latest news stories and current events that are related to politics, culture, economics, social life, entertainment, and more)
-F’datikultura (an educational TV service provider with local stations per state, funded by the Dyutyi)
-Komedia Televizi (broadcasts sitcoms and stand-up performances, of which the most popular program is Life with the Buzas)
-KorniToonz TV (an animation network aimed at children and families, similar to Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network, of which the most popular program is The Zepam & Zeyom Hour)
-FratiSports (broadcasts the latest sporting events)
Radio: All licensed radio stations do their broadcasting in the tundra, to prevent any signal interference from people or natural events.
TOURISM
The main tourist attractions:
-The frozen beaches of the western islands, ideal for ice-skating and ice-surfing
-The historic center of Pathaan Nord (pre-Cornic architecture)
-Zezea’s ultra-modern shopping center
-The Molecular Art Museum of Kaffikonlech
-The Fratián III Maritime Tunnel
-The multicolored neon plazas of Pathaan Nord, where you can see the best popular debates
-The polygonal forests of Blef Island
POLITICAL ASPECTS
Type of Government:
Parliamentary monarchy with System of 3 powers
Ruler:
His Majesty Fratián VI of the Real Casa Framar
Parliament:
The Dyutyi, with High, Low and Special Chambers
The Prime Minister’s mandate lasts for 20 years.
Political Division:
State of Brezazi (Capital: Bezap)
State of Graturai (Capital: Kaffikonlech)
State of Zincueyomi (Capital: Zezea)
State of Maikozi (Island Territory, Capital: Porti Komledai)
FUN FACTS AND APOSTILLES
The typical Fraticornian, whether male or female, is morphological, with similar functions to humans. All are exactly alike, strong in structure and without a neck. Some, however, have a remarkably elongated neck, which ended up institutionalizing the use of helmets. These helmets were also used to provide protection from the intense and continuously cold climate. Foreigners make fun of them by calling them “peti-clones,” which actually flatters them for some mysterious reason.
Until 9999, their only uniforms consisted of black helmets with fuchsia visors and embroidered bows. It was very common to see helmets with blue, grey and fuchsia rays glued onto the helmets. When the visor is raised, there were silver-rimmed spectacles with mirrored glass that protected the eyes from the the snow. From that year onward, a one-time fashion revolution consisted of replacing the helmets with fascinating black cube hats with a red circle on the front side. The rest of the outfit was completed with identical school uniforms; grey or black suits for men and blazers and grey jumpers for women. In both cases, white shirts, black or grey stockings and black shoes. Some immigrants introduced brown shoes and belts. These were worn since 9893. Artists like to wear masks of various types, especially clown masks. All clothing, accessories and footwear are provided by the State. For this reason, no one in their right mind would embark a job in the textile industry and, much less, study apparel design. No fashion show was ever held, as the Fraticornians consider such events to be frivolous.
The country’s name means “The Horn of Fratianih,” of which more information will be provided in the historical review below.
LANGUAGE
The F’datikodnike language is ancient, and is spoken and written with the letter R being completely ommitted, instead employing a “Zezeo,” which is considerably exaggerated.
Here are some phrases in F’datikodnike:
“Dazi bi naadazi? Badap zaiamfotam.” (“To be or not to be? That is the question.”)
“Ifati yomyzike p’dapi skut!” (“I’m getting too old for this crap!”)
“Ikonam vitaidda dizicuelo matioyo.” (“I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat.”)
“N’pezat, petzaki mandam.” (“Go ahead, make my day.”)
“Kum’dalam kodam.” (“All you need is love.”)
“Naazidlokom vemuutko ytake.” (“Nothing is certain but death and taxes.”)
“Kum’hdombo zaggensi palama’indi.” (“All men are created equal.”)
“B’dituul, dimentia tobatauu.” (“Shine on, you crazy diamond.”)
“B’dituul, bossieiem tobatauu.” (“Shine on, you crazy manager.”)
“V’temadto.” (“Time flies.”)
EDUCATION
Curiously, education is not obligatory, but it is free to any Fraticornian who would not be prepared for the future, especially because they would feel very marginalized when it comes to participating in the cultural debates that occur on holidays. The most chosen careers are Fine Arts, Engineering in Toys, Refrigeration, Civil Rights, Design, Urban Planning and Fishing Production.
SPORTS AND GAMES
The most practiced sport is ice-surfing, although some immigrants have introduced soccer, with enough success. The championships are five-year round trips. The winning champion of a team of eight players will have a chance to play in the Dimentia International Cup.
This is the chart of the current table of positions, missing only three teams to finish:
1. Zezea (65 points)
2. Mayuro Komledai (59 points)
3. Kaffikonlech Coleggei (56 points)
4. Pathaan Nord (50 points)
5. Porti Blef (49 points)
6. F’dazizegami (44 points)
7. B’dezazi Framar (38 points)
8. Pathaan Suid (37 points)
9. Vruh (34 points) etc.
HEALTH AND SANITATION PROBLEMS
The State deals with the health care of all the inhabitants free of charge and without making differentiations, allocating 30% of the official budget to the area. All hospitals are equipped with antimatter technology, in which doctors can remove any pathological traces. Therefore, there are no pre-paid medicine companies, nor the GPs, since they all are. Every year, a mandatory health census is carried out for the entire population, ensuring that there are almost no diseases; first, because no sick tourist is allowed into the country, and second, because tons of antibacterial gas are thrown into the cities every day, thus avoiding the spread of any epidemic.
The hospitalizations are carried out in full luxury and the ambulance service is amazingly fast as it is carried out by means of a high transportation system. Upon their arrival, the patients are laid on an electronic hospital bed that is decorated with purple velvet and pure 24-karat gold. It comes with a built-in stereo sound system, complete with headphones, a voice-activated food-delivery service, an unlimited fountain drink machine, and free wireless Internet! The hospital bed also acts as a massage chair. These measures have to do with the preservation of life in a country with a very low birth rate, despite having also achieving the lowest universal mortality rate.
URBAN AND ARCHITECTURAL PLANNING
Everyday life is very quiet in the cities. The Fraticornians cannot tolerate any type of noise, so the only strident aspect of their lives is none other than music.
The only means of observed transportation are hovercrafts, while less affluent people use scooters. Fraticornians do not use automobiles; the few surviving units of the past are reserved for some very conservative tourists. They greatly detest “enduro” or “chopper” motorcycles. The maximum speed limit is 100 kilometers per hour. There are no horns or alarms, and they would never think of altering the original physiognomy of a vehicle. Such tuning (or “pimping”) is extremely frowned upon.
The cities occupy little extension since building development has been given in 70% under the surface, which is where the most economic properties are at. It is very common to descend several subterranean floors until arriving at home. The dream of the common man is to be able to sleep someday in the face of the scarce sun in these desolate lands.
Urban architecture is basically geometric, varying in size and shape for different buildings and residential neighborhoods. The historic center of Pathaan Nord, pre-Cornic style, dates back to 7980. This was the first architectural ensemble that emerged in the Archipelagos, where primitive forms of chalet houses are now considered obsolete. Towards 9000, the Cornic and post-Cornic styles revolutionize the building shapes and derivatives into the multi-morphic style of 9700 and the neo-morphic style of 9900, which is the style that is currently enforced.
The new constructions are made of a hybrid material consisting of a mixture of Teflon and Plankton, which yielded ambiguous results: a great economy, cleanliness and protection from the tremendous cold, but when some Fraticornians are short of money, they can be seen grating the walls, so they could actually eat them. The roads and streets are covered with a viscous patina that repels snow, and underground services are inter-combinable modules that can self-multiply at “peak” times. Some distinguished housing complexes are constructed in the form of large trees whose leaves serve as functional units. The branches move and extend bionically, communicating to the neighbors without the need to leave their homes. Currently, the expansion of new networks of underground condominiums is being studied, always making sure that the fatal crumbling of buildings must never occur.
SOCIAL AND CULTURAL ASPECTS
Everyday life in the country is very safe. There is practically no crime and the police, not having to do too much activity, devote their days of services as lifeguards, firefighters and civil defense attorneys.
In homes, living conditions are simple and practical, since everything is automated. Each family member dedicates their free time to cultural recreation. Television almost always has the need to remind the spouses of the advantages of normal procreation, since 83% of the population prefer cloning as a practical method of reproduction, and the average number of biological children per marriage is 0.67%. Marriages are very durable and, if a divorce occurs, it is always practiced by mutual agreement.
As for their recreational aspect, the Fraticornians drink a lot of beer and Pum Pitador, a kind of harmless hallucinogenic substance that they reserve only for days of celebration, in which they meet to philosophize and to debate on new artistic tendencies. The rest of the week is when they work quietly.
The cultural activity is very diverse: dance, music, theater, literature, cinema, and plastic arts are all developed in various recreational centers that are protected by the State, earning 44% of the official budget. They like to play deformed versions of foreign popular songs. Their style ranges from dissonance and naïveté to extreme noise and parodies. They love toys, especially those that produce strange sounds.
The Zatied Theatre in Pathaan Nord is where many of these events are held. This theatre is very fancy in its inward and outward appearance, with its architectural style blending both pre-Cornic and post-Cornic styles. Ticket prices range from Ѳ50 for adults to Ѳ60 for families (although children before reaching teenage years get their tickets free of charge). The seats are really comfortable sofas with built-in cupholders, and the air conditioning and acoustics are really spectacular.
The Recording Industry Society of the Archipelagos Fraticórnicos (RISAF) awards special record trophies (bismuth, 24-karat gold, triple-platinum and 100% pure diamond) to artists who have sold a significant amount of recordings. The country’s music awards ceremony is the F’datikodnike G’damafikas, or Fikas for short. Every year, the event, which is created and hosted for television by the Fraticornian Academy for Recording Arts and Scientific Research and Developments (FARASRD), presents awards for the country’s most prominent and popular musicians. The band to win the most Fikas is Fraticórnicos (read the last section for more information).
On the subject of music, the Fraticornian National Anthem remains the most important piece of music in the history of the country. It was written by a young female poet named Maziza Galidki. Maziza instantly became the Grand Poet Laureate for writing the anthem. It’s lyrics are as follows:
F’datikodnike, b’dezazi g’datudai f’dazizegami
Zincueyomi dozipdotime tadam
F’datikodnike, maikozi comledai mnezazowimi
Zolepdeli wozizonepde bezap f’datiani
TRANSLATION:
Fraticórnicos, come and fight for your land
For its glory and honor without end
Fraticórnicos, remember the fallen for your freedom
By which you will offer your blood
Forever to death
FOOD AND DRINK
As stated above, all milk and dairy products are synthesized from the sea. The sea waters are processed through special filters, removing any sodium chloride and adding calcium and minerals to ensure strong bone health.
Fast food restaurants are commonplace in the country, and all of them resemble a hybrid of modern fast food places, countryside cafés and retro-style diners, like on Earth. The food is ordered by means of a voice-activated menu system, and the waiters and waitresses provide their customers with meals that are served in under 2 minutes. To prevent future health violations, anti-bacterial gas is thrown around the dining area, kitchens and restrooms every 2 hours, and all of the food is automatically cleansed of any impurities. Here are the following examples of these restaurants:
-ZxFratianih’s (hamburgers)
-Pizza Framar (well, pizza)
-The Circle of Life (health food)
-Porti Komledai Café (seafood)
Here are the following examples of the country’s most popular beverages:
-Wetei (refreshing mineral water)
-KorniKola (a soft drink similar to Coca-Cola)
-Milkipilki (milk, available in regular and chocolate varieties)
-Byd Praimaiam (a soft drink that is similar to Sprite)
-Frutikornikaz (healthy fruit-flavored drinks, made using 100% natural ingredients)
The country’s candy is extremely popular, especially among children. However, the Zezea-based confectionary company that makes these candies, Yummykux, makes them in such a way that they are healthy, and therefore, will not cause anybody to gain weight or put people at risk of getting diabetes or blood sugar problems of any kind. Here are some examples of the candies that are made by Yummykux:
-Ultra Salmiakam (a chocolate bar with chunks of salmiakki, which is black licorice that is salted with ammonium chloride)
-Huguudo (star-shaped cookies covered in white chocolate)
-Nytnut (oval-shaped peanut butter cups that are coated with dark chocolate)
-Luvinz (heart-shaped gel candies)
-Kaikomo (black icing balls with a smooth vanilla coating)
RELIGIOUS BELIEFS
In their religious aspects, the Fraticornians are quite agnostic; nevertheless, they believe that the northern slope of Mount Prestipino is charged with positive energy, and there, they would depart their contingents to fill their souls with joy and harmony. Some come to partake in weddings at the very top, via organized tours.
Foreigners who have visited the southern slope have seen incredible things that undress the most reprehensible of the customs of these inhabitants. It is not exactly a place that mothers would recommend their children to travel to. Some popular folk songs tell that children like to clap thistles until they cry, while their parents milk their virtual cows, and all of them sigh when looking at the sky. The reigning lack of control becomes appalling. Undoubtedly, the worst facet is the use of Pum Pitador, causing a bad trip…
In 9963, Christianity started spreading throughout parts of the country. The First Fraticornian Church of Christ (Uunoi F’datikodnike Iglezi d’Iozom) was established in 9965, 4 kilometers west of Mount Prestipino. In 9972, during a short-lived plague involving a guinea pig attack in the Republic of Sofovia, a hymn was composed by an author that wishes to remain anonymous. This hymn, entitled “Christ and His Backpack,” contained the following lyrics:
Iozom zetei amom dezem
Miñadte opai galu b’dau
Kenomai oshandnefeu
Mitdaiam slobekuiam
TRANSLATION:
Christ, save us from chaos
And the powers of evil
Send us your divine legions
To exterminate every rodent
FLORA AND FAUNA
Both are practically nonexistent. You can distinguish some plant forms that are similar to lichens that grow when attached to rocks. As for the animals, some sea lions and walruses can be seen in a state of captivity, thus avoiding their extinction, since the common inhabitant does not pay much attention to wildlife. The more exotic animals, such as dogs and cats, can be seen in special zoological centers, where people get ecstatic at observing these species, marveling at such variety. The remaining animals (many of which are chimeras) can be observed in the form of holographic projections.
It is known that schoolteachers organize educational visits to greenhouses, especially to teach their youngest pupils about what the color green is.
At one point in time, a high school student was bitten by a mosquito, which caused a serious stir in the scientific community. As a result, headlines of this event appeared in the country’s biggest newspaper services. It took the inhabitants of the Archipelagos several years to forget about the incident entirely.
Starting in 10021, researchers at the University of Kaffikonlech started a project to revive newly-discovered plant species that have been extinct for over 5,000 years. These plants are bizarre in shape and structure, and are extremely similar to the plants found in the pages of the mysterious Voynich Manuscript of Earth’s Renaissance period.
A HISTORICAL REVIEW
The history of the Archipelagos Fraticórnicos will be divided into eight time periods…
I. Primitive Period (circa Year 0-4099)
Scattered tribes ruled by their respective chiefs.
II. Ad’tyukian Period (4100-5607)
In 4100, one of these tribes, the Clan of Ad’tyuk, founded the first organized country in the Archipelagos, the Kingdom of Aire, which was first headed by King Ad’tydl I. The Kingdom of Aire was located in modern-day Zincueyomi. The remaining islands didn’t become nations, and were left without control until 5607.
III. Anmoqueic Period (5607-7500)
Absolute monarchy of the Gyad Dynasty, under the rule of Mduyti I to Mduyti VIII. At that time, the country was called the Kingdom of the Zezeosas Islands.
IV. First Tarmanian Occupation (7501-8422)
Tarmania imposed its totalitarian hegemony. It was the most obscurantist time of its history. Its dictator, Êlai Dĭfrŏmar, was declared President for Life, and he did many harsh and unspeakable things to the Zezeosas Islands and its people. This type of politically-fueled unrest lasted until 8422 when the tyrannical Tarmanian government was overthrown, leading to Êlai’s execution.
V. Nestorrenstic Period/Cultural Dexterity (8423-8516)
After the dictatorial chaos left by the Tarmanian hegemony, Nestorkoma, the King of Nestorra, sits his son Fratinéstor on the throne, leaving behind a legacy of an era peppered with generalized mediocrity.
VI. Calvico-Peliquí Occupation (8516-9451)
The Calvico-Peliquí Union, under the orders of President Arèyano Hilberðo, occupied the Zezeosas Islands, but not under a brutal dictatorial control. This was due to the fact that Arèyano himself viewed the Tarmanian hegemony’s practices as a nasty injustice. Despite being occupied by the aforementioned empire, all of the Fraticornians have enjoyed an era of a greater tolerance of their culture. Without too much commitment on part of the government, there was a slight flourishing of the arts and commerce. The two main islands were renamed Lukasia and Tierra de Fedhe, with its capital in Ferchuh.
VII. Second Tarmanian Occupation (9452-9588)
It was more brutal and bloody than the first. The dictator this time was Ŏŋen Trũka, who was also really greedy in his methods of economic power, by passing laws that fixed prices, dodged import taxes, and harassed the poor or in-debt by kicking them out of their own houses, and later re-decorating them and selling them for ridiculously high prices. It was the only time that the Fraticornians had organized popular militias in reaction to these injustices, as well as the prohibition of Pum Pitador (which Trũka outlawed because he complained of the substance having a bad after-taste).
VIII. Mnezazowímico Period (9589-The Present Day)
With a new dynasty, their national identity was restored, with the creation of a parliamentary power, and the starting point towards a vertiginous modernization of the country. Starting in 9589, the throne was occupied by the Framar Dynasty, from Fratián I all the way to Fratián VI.
It is worth mentioning that the country’s Greatest National Hero is Karlitos Fratianih, who was the leader of the armies that liberated the Fraticornians from Tarmanian control in 9588. This patriot boasted a huge, threatening horn on his helmet; as a result, in 9665, the year of Fratianih’s disappearance, the nation was granted the official name of the Archipelagos Fraticórnicos. The country’s name means “The Horn of Fratianih.”
THE REASON WHY THERE IS A MUSIC GROUP CALLED “FRATICÓRNICOS”
Despite the apparent advantages of living in an ultramodern society, two of its inhabitants, Pelo and Mecko, formed a sensational music group, originally named THE NATIONAL CHOIR AND SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA OF THE ARCHIPELAGOS FRATICÓRNICOS (which logically became simply Fraticórnicos). After leaving their world, they arrived on Earth, a planet that they had traveled across, showcasing their music and looking for a strong fanbase that did not provide a system as perfect and consistent as yours, which can sometimes be a bit boring.
Tired of their albums being certified triple-platinum in their land long before their releases, and also having their sold-out shows several months in advance, they decided to start over from scratch. Currently, the group lives and operates as a trio in Argentina, in the continent of South America, which was a country that they found to be strange and fascinating at the same time, because nothing there seems to be perfect, and less coherent, too.
The group has since passed by several line-up formations, all constituted by its leading compatriots; but although it has not achieved the expected economic results, it has achieved the honorable distinction of a “cult band.”
My Family, a realized portrait from a Fraticornian 3rd Grade Student
(Courtesy of the Pathaan Nord Museum of Art)
The Crazy Mind of Tré Roland 